In His Presence

Oh God, I am here. I am here and I love you. I love being your bride. I am just waiting for your coming. I have to wait for you even though I long for you. I need you. I want you. All I want is you. You are my God. You are my strength. You are my provider and you are my friend. I love you O Lord! I love you so much! No one compares to your love. You make me complete. You bring joy to my life. You rejoice over me with singing as I shout sacrifices of joy. You comfort me. You wrap your loving arms around me. You know my wants. You know my needs. You know my desires. You know my heart. I desperately need you. You shower me with grace. You pour out your love. You died for me. You saved me. You help me all the days of my life. I find beauty in you. I find peace and rest in you. You take pain away. You take lonliness away. My God, I love you! My God, I want to see your face! My God, I want to lay my life for you as you have laid down your life for me. I want to serve you as you have served me. I want to clothe you. I want to feed you. I want to visit you. Make me one with you as you are one with the Father dear Jesus. Jesus, you are my rock and my salvation. Whom shall I fear? No one but you dear God. Jesus, may your kingdom come. May your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Reveal your will to me. Make the path clear. Give me direction. Give me more of you. I want you to increase in my life. I want to decrease. Humble me each day. You are my true and only love. Without you I have nothing. Without you I could not live. Without you I have no hope. Without you I have no strength. Please come soon so everything will be complete. I love you my Lord, my Savior.

Well, yesterday I was wrestling with God because of this wall. I suppose after those hours of serving and loving on Saturday I had an ultimate spiritual high and then by the end of my day I grew tired. I didn't want to be tired. I just wanted more. But after struggling to go to sleep Saturday night and after feeling heavy for the most part Sunday, the Lord spoke to me Sunday night at church. Pastor Steve preached out of Acts 4:31 to the end. He emphasized being controlled by the Holy Spirit. To make a long story short, the Lord reassured me that He was pleased with my work and that I don't have to beat myself up to keep on going. In fact, I was my own wall. I couldn't get around myself, but He set me free and reminded me that He is the one that moves through me...not I. Praise Jesus!

There's just got to be more of this life than what I am living. I find myself hitting walls more and more frequently. It's like I go through this period of time where everything the Lord has given me increases and then all of the sudden I have ran into another wall. These patterns are wearing me down. I want more, but how do I recieve more? What am I missing? I feel like there is this peice of a puzzle missing. Where is it? What is it? After a full day of actually stepping out and serving the Lord I am now empty inside. Though my joy was complete in those hours of loving and serving, at the end of my day I felt there should be more. What is more? I feel there is something going to happen and I am afraid I am not prepared for it. Thoughts run through my brain...Will my mother die soon? Will my husband ever pursue me? What is it going to take for me to be prepared? I think I'm scared of brokenness. Can I survive being broken again? It has come so often lately. But I do want more. I'm just scared of the process. What can I do? What shall I do? I'm suppose to pray for Soul Purpose in a little while and I do not even feel worthy do that. I know the Lord is faithful to prepare me, but there is this urgency in my heart. I need to know what to do. I need to know what it means to go further. I need to know what more is. I feel like He is near, but yet distant. I feel like He is trying to tell me His calling, but my ears cannot hear His whisper. All I know He is preparing me to be a bride...not only to my husband, but to Him. I have to be a bride to Him before I can be a bride to my husband. When will He complete this process? How much longer shall I wait? I want to see His face so badly, but I know there is more work to be done. Where is He leading me? Where am I going? What am I to do? There's just got to be more.

Happy 2006 to everyone! And I believe it will be a very happy 2006 for a lot of individuals this year. On the drive back to Auburn today, the Lord and I were having such a wonderful time together. I could not stop singing praises to His name as I was listening to Him and looking at the beautiful double rainbow around the glorious sun. Oh, what a precious sight that was and then ending my drive with one of the most wondrous sunsets I have ever seen. The beauty of the Lord endures forever.

Anyway, back to the listening part of my trip. Well, I was singing to my Savior and He said to me that a lot of people are going to get their promises fulfilled this year. Wow!! I'm not sure what all these promises are, but I am excited anyway! I'm not excited just because I'm going to get a promise fulfilled, I'm excited because the Lord is so soveriegn!! Praise the Lord!! What a testimony this is going to be! The Lord Jesus can use so many things in so many ways...ways we cannot even imagine. The unimaginabe/the incomprehendable is something the Lord is showing me to deal with...mostly with my mother, but I will explain more of this in another blog.

Well, this one is short, but I am excited to see everyone again and I am excited to see God's glory in 2006! :)